LEAPS OVER TALL BUILDINGS IN A SINGLE BOUND, IS MORE POWERFUL THAN A LOCOMOTIVE, IS FASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET, WALKS ON WATER, AND GIVES POLICY TO GOD.

COLONEL:

LEAPS OVER SHORT BUILDINGS IN A SINGLE BOUND, IS MORE POWERFUL THAN A SWITCH ENGINE, IS JUST AS FAST AS A SPEEDING BULLET, WALKS ON WATER IF SEA IS CALM, AND TALKS TO GOD.

LIEUTENANT COLONEL:

LEAPS OVER SHORT BUILDINGS WITH A RUNNING START AND A FAVORABLE WIND, IS ALMOST AS POWERFUL AS A SWITCH ENGINE, IS AS FAST AS A SPEEDING B-B, WALKS ON WATER IN AN INDOOR POOL, AND TALKS TO GOD IS SPECIAL REQUEST IS APPROVED.

MAJOR:

BARELY CLEARS QUONSET HUTS, LOSES TUG-OF-WAR WITH LOCOMOTIVES, CAN FIRE A SPEEDING BULLET, SWIMS WELL, AND IS OCCASIONALLY ADDRESSED BY GOD.

CAPTAIN:

MAKES HIGH MARKS WHEN TRYING TO LEAP BUILDINGS, IS RUN OVER BY LOCOMOTIVES, CAN SOMETIMES HANDLE A WEAPON WITHOUT INFLICTING SELF-INJURY, AND DOGGIE-PADDLE, AND TALKS TO ANIMALS.

FIRST LIEUTENANT:

RUNS INTO BUILDINGS, RECOGNIZES LOCOMOTIVES ABOUT TWO OUT OF THREE TIMES, IS NOT ISSUED AMMUNITION, CAN STAY AFLOAT IF PROPERLY INSTRUCTED, AND TALKS TO WATER.

SECOND LIEUTENANT:

FALLS OVER DOORSILLS WHEN TRYING TO ENTER BUILDINGS, SAYS "LOOK AT THE CHOO-CHOO," WETS HIMSELF WITH A WATER PISTOL, AND MUMBLE TO HIMSELF.

SERGEANT:

LIFTS BUILDINGS AND THEN WALKS UNDER THEM, KICKS LOCOMOTIVES OFF THE TRACK, CATCHES SPEEDING BULLETS IN HIS TEETH…CHEWS THEM, AND FREEZES WATER IN A SPEEDING GLANCE...